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Logline Needs Work Me Thinks
Kisses And Caroms Discussion Board: Logline Needs Work Me Thinks
| Bono09 | Wednesday, December 03, 2003 - 01:11 am
"A woman arranges a threesome to show her ex-boyfriend that she's his dream girl, but blinded by his penis, he thinks that their relationship is best left alone. Through the antics of offbeat characters at a billiard pro shop, he realizes all his fantasies in her, but is it too late?"
That is the logline on imdb. And I saw the trailer vince and company and it looked funny.
However, I can't tell you how many times I had to read the above logline and I still don't think I understand it.
the line "blined by his penis" is funny, but to me that means his penis is eight feet tall and is blocking his eyesight.
the logline should be reworked I think. how about this;
A girlfriend tries to reconnect with her ex boyfriend at a pro billard shop, but he doesn't know if he wants her back. It will take the off beat characters that come into the shop and his twisted fantasies that will finaly answer the question if he should take her back.
or
Will ex lovers come back together after one wacky day in a pro billard shop?
(i don't know if it is a day or not)
It's not great and I haven't seen the movie, but it's just my feeling that at present your logline is doing you a disservice.
I'ts not a tight or informative as you might think it is.
It confused me and I assume others and it might be hurting your chances at getting people interested in it.
Just a thought.
Good luck!
-matt |
| Vince (Vince) | Wednesday, December 03, 2003 - 03:42 pm
Yeah, The logline and synopsis need help as well as the Directors bio. We also need antidotes and war stories from the set.
I was just discussing the logline with Jay yesterday and I emailed these to him so he could massage them.
Here's what we currently have, obviously in addition to the above one on imdb.
So anybody want to take a shot?? Anybody? Buller? Buller?
3 Line (1000 Characters Max)
Kisses And Caroms is your typical romantic comedy. Boy meets Girl, Boy has Sex with Girl and her friend, Boy and Girl live happily ever after. Or do they?
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125 Word
With the help of a shot gun wielding psycho therapist, a sexy got it together new age girl, a horny housewife, a sex obsessed best friend, his loving ex-girlfriend and the antics of Breaktime's zany offbeat customers (including a naked white guy and a little person), will Zack finally figure out what he wants in life?
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250 Word
Zack breaks it off with long his time girlfriend Jennifer, so he can be more like his best friend David, and sow his wild oats. Against the advice of Dr. Bob, Jennifer attempts to get Zack back by arranging a threesome with their swinging friend and co-worker Tara.
The blissful day after the threesome isn't so blissful for Zack as he must deal with a love struck girlfriend, and some annoying customers including a Naked white guy and a midget.
The action heats up when Dave, jealous of Tara, has a romantic interlude with Dr. Bob's wife. Dr. Bob discovers the affair and hunts David down with a shotgun ultimately holding everyone hostage at Breaktime, the billiard pro shop they all work at.
Everything comes together in an explosive conclusion where our characters learn the grass really is greener in their own yard.
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I need to have my directors bio make me sound more pathetic. It's just so damn hard to write about yourself.
Director's Bio (This should probably show me as some poor soul)
I was born in North Hollywood California. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley and met my future wife Deanna at Robert Frost Jr. High School. When I was 16 my dad got me a job as a Pool and Spa salesman. This was his career, and might very well had become mine. After a year or so, the company added Billiards to the Pool/Spa lineup. This ignited my love for the game and business. At 18, I was managing the companies third largest store and largest Billiard outlet. At 21, I left the water world behind and started Breaktime Billiards with my father. At 25, I started a Video Documentary Production Company with Michael Hutchinson. Later that year, I married my High School sweetheart of 9 years. At 28, I wrote my first script "Kisses and Caroms". I entered it in the Project Greenlight contest, and lost. That told me I had something great, and here it is.
Buller? Buller? Buller? |
| Bono09 | Wednesday, December 03, 2003 - 05:29 pm
First let me say, vince I think we have the same life. I've been dating my high school sweetheart for 8 years now and wrote a similar script about taking time off to have sex with other people. I do entered into PGL and lost.
Thanks for sending me the LLC info, I'm slightly less confused than before. No it was good shit, but I guess it will always make more sense when you just do it and stop thinking about it.
anyway, the best loglines tell us in general what the script or movie is about but written like a TV Guide one liner. i have digital cable and the best thing ever is to read the one line of the movie. Some of them are hilarious.
I think your loglines are too specific. Don't need to mention exactly who comes into the store.
You need to take the main plot of the story, the goal of the main character, to give the person a general overview of what the story is about w/o saying too much.
If you say too much, you might give something away that doesn't interest the reader or they might think you say so much becuase the movie has nothing to say.
I'm not a logline expert, but i've had problems with them myself over the years, but from reading so many of them, you learn what is good and bad.
Bad loglines (the ones that turn me off) say too much and almost try to make excuses for the script in the logline.
The best loglines are usually one sentence, that is clear, and to the point. A few of them are 2 sentences, but one is best.
So what to do. Boil the story down to what it's about.
MY ATTEMPT AT GOOD LOGLINE # 1--
The employees of breaktime, a billard pro shop, have their unstable relationships with each other come to a head after one of the employees has an affair with a married woman causing her husband to take everyone hostage; forcing them to decide once and for all their true feelings for each other.
LOGLINE # 2
The intertwined sex lives of the employees of a pro billard shop come to a head one day when one of them is accused of sleeping with another man's wife.
LOGLINE # 3
In order to win Zack back, Jennifer arranges a threesome with Tara, their co-worker at Breaktime (a pro billard shop) which causes Zack to rethink their relationship.
LOGLINE # 4 (this might be the one!)
The day after having a threesome with his ex-girlfriend and another woman (both fellow employees of the same pro billard shop), a guy must come to terms with their relationship, all while trying to deal with offbeat customers and a jealous male co-worker.
I think Logline 4 might be best, but take whichever one you like best and make it work for you. But I think they are better than what you have now. I think one sentecne that flows works much better than 2 or 3 cryptic or too specific sentences.
YOUR BIO is tougher but here is waht I would do if I had to write about you. But I suggest take your own voice and enegertic some life into it. This is me being you, but since I dn't know you, i'm being me.
VINCE ROCCA
Growing up in San Fernando Valley (that's in North Hollywood, CA for anyone who's never seen a P.T. Anderson movie), I'd always loved movies. The only thing that I love more than movies (it was finally decided on a coin flip) is my high school sweatheart of 9 years, Deanna, who was nice enough to marry me.
My story--
At sixteen my dad got me a job as a Pool and Spa salesman. I might have followed in my dad's footsteps and made that my career, but as luck would have it, after a year or so of me being there, the company added Billards to the lineup. This was the smart of something special. It ignited my love of for the game of billards and the business.
At eighteen (two years later for you math majors) I was managing the companies third largest store and biggest outlet.
At twenty-one, drunk for the frist time legally, I left the H2o world (no not the halloween movie, water dumbass) and started BREAKTIME BILLARDS wiht my father.
Four years later, I started a Video Documentary Production company with my friend Michael Hutchinson (not the guy from InXs) and later that year I was married to my previously mentioned high school sweetheart.
At the tender age of twenty-eight (28 for you drinking as you read this) I wrote my 1st script KISSES and CAROMS. As so many do, I thought my frist script was the best script ever and had to get made. Even after Project Greenlight gave me the virtual finger by not picking mine script, I said, well this must be good then if it couldn't win a stupid contest. So on the advice of, (well if I had friends I would have asked) nobody but myself, I decided to make the epic that is now waiting for the call from Harvey himself. |
| Vince (Vince) | Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 02:11 am
It's late, and I'm too tired to think about loglines, but I dig the bio. Made me chuckle. I just need to make it sound like I'm poor and unfortunate. A basic retard and it's a wonder I could even power the camera on. Festivals like that. |
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